“There’s a lot of things going on around my house. The other night in front of my house, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to him, ‘How come?’ He said, ‘Because you came home early!’” | Rodney Dangerfield

“I tell ya, life isn’t easy. Today’s been a terrible day. I got up this morning, picked up my shirt, a button fell off. Picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.” | Rodney Dangerfield

“I tell ya, I’m alright now but last week I was in rough shape, ya know. My wife, she put me on a grapefruit diet. Seven days, I had 10 grapefruits a day. Ended up I lost 4 pounds, got a citrus rash.” | Rodney Dangerfield